In my last post I wrote…
Even though I was no PMO, I was actually doing an approach-challenge. I was trying to talk to 100 girls by the end of the year (this was late Nov) and thus my goal was to get off from a girl, not myself. This helped in a few ways. One, it kept me busy, two it provided positive and real stimulation, and three, it relinquished the thought that I wouldn’t be able to get off. Unfortunately, I’m currently girl-less (gonna get back to that grind shortly) which means a lack 0f PMO means I’m not getting off, period. I think this idea of deprivation tugs at the back of my head whether or not I consciously like the thought. So when I tell myself, “NO MORE WANKING” my brain thinks “shit, that means NOTHING because you ain’t got no chicks lined up boy!” and then proceeds to force me to jack off.
I want to re-stress how important I think replacing PMO with positive and real stimulation is.
Over the last few days, I have come to the conclusion that having other women in my life (even just short conversations with attractive women) was enough of a stimulus to quell the urge. I mean, that was the primary difference between my first reboot (which hit 20 days without a pinch) and my subsequent failures. I’m still only on Day 4, unfortunately.
Obviously, my course of actions should be to repeat my approach-challenge and see whether or not it effects my urge.
Oh, and another huge, in fact, more important thing, is that during my first 20 days I had an intimate partner. I had a close connection, emotionally and sexually with another human being. Honestly, if I had a girlfriend I think this reboot would be a fucking joke.
The problem is, after thinking that, I say to myself “Okay CTS, get a girlfriend. Until then, you can masturbate.” But then I double check myself, because we all know that’s a terrible fucking method. The more I masturbate, the harder it is for me to socialize and be an attractive man (I think — I actually have some thoughts about this I’ll put in a future post).
So, my goal right now is to get a girlfriend. Or to just get women in my life. Or just get guys in my life, for that matter. More friends, more socializing, more time spent outside my room with real people.
I want real people and my dreams, not a computer screen.
A quick side-note about my last two slip-ups…
They were short.
I was heavily into my creative outlet last week, which involves me being at home (usually alone) on my computer. Unfortunately, the urge to masturbate was a huge pull on my head, getting in the way of my musical clarity.
So, in a desperate attempt to focus on my music, I jacked off. But think about that.
I watched ONE porn video (unfortunately – I should have just not watched any) and I finished it up swiftly. It felt like a chore that needed to be done, so I did it and got back to my work. My resistance to masturbation and porn was more immediately deleterious to my creativity than if I had just quickly wanked it and gone on my way.
Now, I don’t recommend anyone do this. I’m still trying not to, but at this stage (and with my next post explained) I’m not really ashamed or unhappy about this decision. If a short, uninvolved, non-binge masturbation session is needed once for me to hop back on the creative bus, then you bet your fucking ass I’ll hit the bathroom and be right back in five.
The point is, I’m not obsessing about it. In fact, I’m a little annoyed at it. As I said,
HOLY SHIT FIRE ALARM IN THE BUILDING. Post is pretty much done, PEACE.